Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Nuke the Punchline - She's a Treasure

Harvey over at IMAO has posted a new straight line of the day, so it is time to choose the winners of the last one:

An Italian Priest presented Pope Francis with a car. Its most notable feature…

You guys were ON FIRE with this one! There is no way in...well...heaven...that I could judge this one like I normally do. So I just chose 5 favorite commenters and a few lines from each that were brilliant. But go read them all. You'll laugh out loud! (small print: I am not Catholic, and though I have Catholic friends and am a faithful google-r, I may have missed an awesome line because it went over my head. My apologies in advance:)

#5 Jimmy:
…it’s tires are by Fire and Brimstone.
…is that it has a bumper sticker that says “If you can read this, you’re following too close.”
…it’s a fully functional, traveling chapel, confessional, sacrament dispensary and geriatric nursing service.

#4 Oppo:
…is that it’s powered by sinners and an eternal combustion engine.
... is that it only needs to be anointed with oil once.
... built-in OnStar of Bethlehem.

#3 walruskkkch:
...turns water into gas.
...the GPS system keeps you on the straight and narrow.
...No sun roof, but it has a miniature copy of the Sistine Chapel ceiling.

#2 Fangbeer:
 ...extra seating for the Rabbi and Atheist to each bring a guest on the way to the bar.
...Papal Onstar button good for 3 traffic miracles a year.
...heated kneelers
And my favorite straight line of the day was from rodney dill:

An Italian Priest presented Pope Francis with a car. Its most notable feature…Your new car will handle Heavenly. it only takes three people to steer the new triune Godmobile. and there is plently of extra headspace to accomodate miters of all sizes. The windshield washers spray holy water to cleanse The Holy See through front windshield. You’ll love the Comfortable 1 Corinthians 13 Leather seats, while listening to your favorite sounds of praise with your CruciHiFi Stereo system.

You can count on the Charismatic transmission with eu-char-is-stick-shift, with only one gear so there won’t be any dogmatic shifts. Included fool cleanser for those in fear of premature combustion.

The New High Tech GPS guarantees you won’t be lost, wandering aimlessly, for any more than 40 years. It’s great for cross country trips, especially long ones of up to 40 days and 40 nights.

Customized dash includes, The suspension overload detection system, that let’s you know when its payload is overweight by displaying “Lighten up, Francis.” A gas guage goes from ‘Saved’ to ‘D@mn3d.’ A Horn that plays “SHOUT” by Opus Dei and the Knights.

For special safety there is an optional Trunk Nun – “Trunk Monkey’s got nuthin’ on a Trunk Nun.”
However, with the driver courtesy package, if you swear at someone who cuts you off in traffic, a nun in the backseat will whack you with a yardstick.

We’ll even throw in the license plates – BDR-529 – After all, you are on a mission from god.

Signals for both lecterns and right turns, but always makes last rites.

You’ll also want to purchase our special Swiss Guard Alpha to Omega protection plan. Even if it stalls and dies you’ll be able to get it restarted in three days. It’s a real holy roller, with a Moses “Let My People Go Faster” bumpersticker.

Brought to you by the happy people at the Car Lot of Babylon. Don’t resist temptation, drive it today.

 Cookies to rodney dill!

and today's best kiss uppers were walruskkkch, and jw:

An Italian Priest presented Pope Francis with a car. Its most notable feature…

walruskkkch: ...Cookie holders.

jw: …the inexhaustible supply of wafers in the trunk and they’re all chocolate chip.

Kiss up cookies to 
walruskkkch and jw!

The new Bored Fusion 18: Timely Post 6 Months from Sat needs a name. I'll post winners and a new Bored Fusion tomorrow.  :)

My favorite NP punchlines:

Apparently, the White House is full of roaches and vermin. Obama...

#3 Harvey : ...'s cabinet is now FINALLY fully staffed.

#2 Dohtimes :...told one roach, as he was hustled safely away by the Secret Service, "you didn't build that roach motel".

My favorite line was from Oppo:

Apparently, the White House is full of roaches and vermin. Obama...... called them "undocumented White House visitors" who were "an infestment in our future."

Toffee Trifle to Oppo!

Here's a new line for you to try:

Gas prices set a record, 1,000 days over $3 a gallon. The next record...


  1. ...will be Obama's record 1000th day telling us that - despite what he said during his 2008 campaign - gas prices aren't important.

  2. (I would've liked to incorporate a few of Oppo's into my long spiel, including:
    ...it goes from Paul the First to Paul the Second in no time.
    ...it comes with anti-Locke brakes.
    ...it’s just a little Deus coup.)

  3. ...eight years without getting a Harumph from Putin.

  4. ... will go to the American city that can build the most new mosques -- who will break the two-minaret mile?

  5. ...five years without a foreign policy.

    ...most wars started by a Nobel Peace Prize winner.