Thursday, October 24, 2013

Nuke the Punchline - He's Gonna Want Milk

Harvey over at IMAO has posted a new straight line of the day, so it is time to choose the winners of the last one:

If You Call the Obamacare Hotline Number…

This is another *choose 10* day! You guys are on a roll!

#10 Ironic Stompin':……….(nothing)

(crickets chirping)

#9 FormerHostage:…it counts as a lifeline.

#8 FredKey: …you are thanked for your call, which is important to them, and put on hold while an attendant gets right to you, and while you’re on hold listening to “Glorious Leader Symphony” you’re asked if you’ve given any thought to supporting Democrats in the 2014 elections, since the Republicans will throw you off a cliff and beat your children to death with a tire iron, then asked to please hold because your call is so VERY VERY important to them, and have you tried the Web site (which can answer all your questions and get you signed up right now!), and while you hold here’s a little reminder that Democrats are the party of free stuff while Republicans are the party of eating baby spleens, and if you hold just a few more hours someone will be right with you….

#7 rodney dill: ...A devil gets it’s horns.

#6 Dohtimes: …the eighty people whose coverage you will be paying for will have your honorary photo affixed to their specimen cups.

#5 Bob in Feenicks: …after 6 hours on hold, your call will be redirected to the Suicide Hotline as a courtesy.

#4 Karen:  … You get an oddly specific recording: Now press option ’1' to sign over all of your private information to the government. Oh, very cute, you pressed the ’0' instead. You honestly think that there’s a way out of government control? Well fine, in seven hours you’ll be dead. First you’re going to slam the phone down, then you’ll turn and trip on the cord to your TV, your crash straight through your window and dangle by one leg, then passing kids will throw some rocks and then you’ll start to beg. Then your ankle will slip free and let you drop, but when you hit the pavement far below, you’ll probably stop. The emergency room with loose your papers, you’ll die in pain and alone, and the only way to avoid this fate is stay here on the phone…. Do we understand each other?

#3 Smilin' Jack: …you will be directed to undress, sit in front of your computer and turn on the video camera… for your pre-enrollment physical exam

#2 blarg:  …you get a recorded message that says “Our menu options have changed. You now have no options.”

And my favorite straight line of the day was from can of spam:

If You Call the Obamacare Hotline Number… they’re going to want to know your name. If you give them your name, they will want your Social Security Number. If you give them your Social Security Number, they will want your address. If you given them your address, they will ask for your medical history. If you give them your medical history, they will ask for your income. When you give them your income, they will tell you you can afford a computer and therefore use the website. And when you use the website, it will tell you to call the Obamacare hotline.

(With all due apologies to “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”)

 Cookies to can of spam!

and today's best kiss uppers were FormerHostage, rodney dill, James, and Dohtimes:

If You Call the Obamacare Hotline Number…

FormerHostage:…make sure you have a hefty supply of milk and Anonymiss’ cookies cuz you gonna be dere a loooooooonnnnng time bub.

rodney dill:…you will be told, “There is no cake, there is no ice cream, there is no Anonymiss’ cookies… Happy Birthday.”

James:. . . Thank you for calling the Obamacare exchanges. Please listen carefully as our menu options change frequently as we try to fix this da** thing.

Press “1? if you think Obamacare is the best thing ever to happen to this country and want to try and enroll
Press “2? if you think Boehner, Cruz, and the other Republican leaders are terrorists that we should send to jail
Press “3? if you want to make a donation to the DNC
Press “4? if you are not diabetic, want some of Anonymiss’ cookies and Michelle says that you ate all your veggies
Press “0? to hear these options again

Dohtimes:…and can think of something funny instead of pathetically sad to say about it, congratulations, you just won a cookie.

Kiss up cookies to FormerHostage,
 rodney dill, James and Dohtimes!

Here's a new line for you to try:

A woman was arrested for firing a gun into the air to scare off her daughter's attackers. She was accused...


  1. ... of cruelly mocking poor, simple Joe Biden. How insensitive!

    ... of communicating through non-verbal means in an attempt to evade lawful NSA monitoring - a very serious criminal offense.

  2. ...of failure to offer them free government condoms first....

  3. ...endangering stealth drones... that might be flying in the area...

  4. ...of endangering their civil rights to attack daughters.

  5. ...of bypassing NFL free agency regulations and getting an illegal tryout for the Cincinnati Bengals.

    ...of not first arguing with Elmer Fudd whether it was duck of Wabbit season.

  6. ...of being 'racist'. -Starting pistols are fired in the air.

  7. Please tell me that youre heading to keep this up! Its so great and so important. I cant wait to read a lot more from you. I just feel like you know so substantially and know how to make people listen to what you might have to say. This blog is just too cool to become missed. Terrific stuff, genuinely. Please, PLEASE keep it up!