Friday, March 28, 2014


Well, the “Buzz in the Beltway” is all about how Republican Darrel Issa lost his temper during a recent House Oversight Committee hearing.  For background on the issue, please recall that four years ago, amidst much distracting fanfare, a little bill was passed by Congressional Democrats* in the dead of night and signed by the President, establishing the ALA, commonly referred to as ObamaLift, as one of the current laws of the land. (Hashtag: #DefyingGravity)

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who normally conducts no oversight function regarding Department of Transportation-related regulations (as those duties fall under the domain of whomever holds the position of United States Secretary of Transportation**), testified before the House Ways and Means Committee to answer accusations the ALA has had an "unexpected" negative impact on the nation’s healthcare costs.  As House Oversight Chairman Darrell Issa (R-CA) pointed out, not only have “unforeseen costs gone over the wall from the Transportation sector into Healthcare, but more and more they seem to be crashing directly into it.”

“In fact,” Chairman Issa continued, “It's now obvious that the administration knew this in advance, and as he has done on so many other occasions, the President lied to the American people about the deleterious effect this legislation would have on the public.  I’m at a loss to describe the damage this law is causing… The English language simply fails me because while it’s important to note that ‘deceleration-trauma’-related accidental suicides have effectively ‘skyrocketed’ since its implementation, the term ‘skyrocketed’ itself perforce becomes a mixed metaphor as it literally implies the opposite direction than the one taken by those attempting to abide by the terms of the ALA, while at the same time the figurative meaning of the more accurate alternate term ‘plummeted’ would, at least as far as the incident rate is concerned, tragically give the opposite impression than the one intended.” ***

In her prepared remarks, Secretary Sebelius maintained the fault lay not with herself nor with the HHS, but with both the FAA and the FCC.  The FAA’s website, she claimed, was not and still is not up to the task of registering the anticipated hundreds of millions of new “auto-autonomous pilots and ALA navigators”, nor of being able to provide the newly developed “Concentrate and Carry License” (C&CL) abbreviated ground school.  Ms. Sebelius admitted that in her opinion the FAA had committed a terrible PR faux pas by naming the new ground school courses "Mental Concentration Camps", however she stressed the DOT assured her of their confidence in the training now required for all Americans for whom auto-autonomous flight is at long last considered both a legal right and a civic obligation (subject to a penalty tax if not exercised in accordance with Federal guidelines and a complex "needs- and means-tested" schedule maintained by the IRS).  Likewise she charged the FCC has failed to “adequately get the message out”, citing current signup numbers which are “significantly under target”, as are the green carbon-credits intended as incentives and “good citizen awards” for using either of the newly-legalized self-powered flight options**** over traditional hydrocarbon-fueled commercial aviation.

The repartee became heated when House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who was also in attendance, attempted to correct Chairman Issa mid-rant, regarding what she saw as a key issue. According to both the White House Press Office and MSNBC, Chairman Issa had begun yelling harshly at the beleaguered Ms. Sebelius, “I don’t think I’m getting through to you. The American people don’t want this law! It’s densely idiotic! It defies the laws of physics and reason, and it’s severely harming the most vulnerable members of the public, especially late-teens, young adults, the profoundly stupid, those who for some reason already believe they have super powers, and of course the very elderly! It’s even confusing our judicial system! Because of this act a court in California recently outlawed the use of parachutes – ACTUAL PARACHUTES – because, as the judge wrote in his decision, ‘they in every way function as a physical analog or manifestation of the type of high-deductible trauma-only insurance the Affordable Care Act has outlawed for the public good.’ *****  That’s worse legal reasoning than you find in Detroit bankruptcy courts! And this is all due to a regulation your office wrote and enforces, is that not correct, Madam Secretary?”

Ms. Sebelius responded “Mr. Chairman, as I said earlier, I have not read the entirety of either the ACA or the ALA, so I can’t tell you – at this time – whether that restriction was written into the law or if it is a regulation we have deemed necessary in order to administer the law. In order to answer you fully I would have to get back to you with that information." ******

Chairman Issa continued, “Putting aside for a moment that the court has apparently confused a piece of vital equipment – a safeguard designed to prevent a physical trauma from occurring, with a financial arrangement – a contract designed to pay for the medical treatment of someone unfortunate enough to have sustained a physical trauma, the REAL issue here is that all of this is moot – expensively and dangerously moot - because it is farcical on its face to think the Federal Government can pass ObamaLift into law and-“

“Sir, Chairman” Mrs. Pelosi interrupted “You should be calling it by its proper name. It isn’t “ObamaLift”, sir, and you should know that that’s insulting to our President.  The law is properly called the Achievable Levitation Act!

Chairman Issa looked befuddled briefly, then exploded.

“What the [BLEEP!] is wrong with you people?!"
[Aside to an aide] "No! [BLEEP!] ‘decorum’!"

[Addressing the panel] "Look! Just because you NAME a law something doesn’t mean the law can actually achieve that thing! Just CALLING it “achievable levitation” no more enables people to fly than calling Obamacare “affordable care” magically makes it affordable!  You can’t just legislate away natural physical laws!”

“You Republicans are such hypocrites!” Mrs. Pelosi lashed back, “Always rushing to defend your precious Constitution! Always ready to condemn courts who bravely cite foreign law to sustain a necessary but unpopular decision. And yet here you are – talking out the other side of your face – saying Secretary Sebelius has to recognize something else, this so-called “natural law” of yours as being supreme over even legislation legally enacted by this Congress.  Why don’t you get your story straight?”

There followed a long, awkward pause.

“WHAT???” The befuddled Chairman exclaimed.

Secretary Sebelius chimed in, “Madam Pelosi is right! President Obama has been very clear on this and has stated many times that while we always want to foster groups that promote individuality within their structure, reward collective achievement, and celebrate those unique shining people who work so hard to make their communities function as a cohesive unit, so often people overlook that it’s the Government who creates the schools that give innovators their education, that pave the roads, that pays the military, police, and firemen.  You TeaPartiers won’t be happy until gay minority families, standing in the smoking ruins of their recently extinguished community housing projects, are handed an invoice by departing firemen detailing their time, equipment costs, hazard pay, and the water bill.  We don’t think that’s fair. That’s not right. And we feel Americans of all walks of life agree with us. And furthermore, we feel that everyone at some point needs some assistance. Everyone is entitled to a helping hand, even if they don't know it, even - and it pains me to say this but it's true - even if they're intoxicated with Liberty - if they're so culturally addicted to your "Cult of Individuality" that  they're blind to their own needs.  They could learn a lot from Sandra Fluke!”

The Chairman slowly sat down.

“OK, I understand.” Rep Issa sighed, “What you are both saying is that it is now the standing policy, of the United States Government, that Humpty Dumpty gets pushed.  I get it. We’re done here…

[Turns towards the staff]  Sargent at Arms? Please unlock the weapons vault, and bring me my gun."

* It is now widely recognized by politicians, analysts, and pundits on both sides of the aisle (although only the analysts and pundits will admit to it) that ObamaCare/ACA could not have passed without considerable conspiratorial assistance from leftist agents within the government, specifically in regards to the criminal prosecution of Alaskan Senator Republican Ted Stevens.  Quoting from John Steele Gordon (see 1st link below), "Had Senator Ted Stevens not been convicted a week before he narrowly lost reelection in 2008 in a trial that involved ‘gross prosecutorial misconduct,’ he undoubtedly would have been reelected and the Democrats would not have had the sixty votes in the Senate they needed to ram ObamaCare through."  Also, FBI Director James Comey recently told a Senate subcommittee that the unnamed agent involved has been "severely disciplined" (see 2nd link below).
Hat Tip: Instapundit

** And it has never really mattered who that is.  Nearly 48 years now the Cabinet position has been in existence, but still - who the heck cares? In recent years the whole place has basically functioned as the complaints department for the TSA.

*** In response, some top Republican Party insiders, still uncomfortable with Rep Issa's "Tea Party" leanings, suggested that he "...go back to Grammar School, and, uh, learn some dang grammar."

**** The two new legal options are “mental levitation”, and the much rarer “D-Jumping powered by ‘aos sí phickuntiatus’” process, which is regulated by both the DOT and the Commerce Department, further proof that Wickard v. Filburn, 317 U.S. 111 (1942) was wrongly decided.

***** Oddly enough, both emergency and prophylactic uses of "Equus ferus monoceros lacrimal secretions" as a trauma-avoidence serendipitizing agent (since its function is to immanentize synchronistic felicity) are still legal. The DOT claimed their hands were tied on the matter, as one of its two main ingredients, “aos sí phickuntiatus”, is integral to the D-Jumping process (the other main ingredient is the benign carrier “muriated sodium dihydrate”).

******  Please note her careful choice of words here. She didn't promise to to get back to him, instead she only stated the true fact in order to answer him fully she would have to get back to him. If it is to occur before the next election cycle, expect such a follow-up meeting to take place only after a subpoena or an indictment has been issued, and a subsequent hearing held in an effort to prevent said subpoena or indictment from being quashed. In the meantime, the Democrats and the press - if you'll forgive the redundancy - will portray these actions as yet more proof of a Republican "War against Women".

1 comment:

  1. Hahahahahahahah...wait...damn, that's how it works. Time to practice my skeet shooting, just in case...