Thursday, March 19, 2015

Ethanol Vampires

Americans hate ethanol, by which I mean "ethanol subsidies".   

We hate vampires too, only - strangely - not as much as ethanol subsidies. If we could commit a crime against the anthropomorphic embodiment of ethanol, I guarantee you it would be a hate crime.

And well it should be! Ethanol is horrible stuff - it rots engines, can't be transported through pipelines, drives food prices through the roof (especially beef), and worst of all redirects scarce tax money to corn farmers who wouldn't be growing corn in the first place if it weren't for so much intrusive government mandating going on, screwing up our markets.

OK, I'll admit that not ALL Americans feel this way, but without straying into the "no true Scotsman" fallacy, I believe I can say with certainty that if you're not a corn farmer, a corn farmer's dependent, own one of those fancy-pants government-approved moonshineries which spend all their time doing the evil work of converting cattle feed into poison, or are a "green-Commie on the outside, red-Commie on the inside" political watermelon envirohippy, then you either hate ethanol too, or you're too uninformed for this article to mean anything to you, and should probably just go read Doonesbury or something before I get to the scary part. Maybe Zonker's started tanning again. Who knows?

This is an issue of "right" and "wrong", and everyone on the "let's continue funneling government largesse to corn farmers so we can demand everyone has to run their cars on food" team don't seem to be siding with the angels.

They're bloodsuckers.

Oh, we often use the PC term "leech", or if feeling bold and edgy someone might stray into saying "parasite" before an open mic, but the correct term for those with their teeth into the necks of all productive tax-paying citizens is "vampires".

And they CAN'T STAND the light of day, so they understandably freak out whenever someone shines the truth in their direction or dares talk about cutting off their blood supply.

The corn-belt GOP apparatchiks need to understand there's only one proper response to vampires screeching "You belong to us, thrall! We are your masters! Keep the blood flowing or we'll take our votes elsewhere!", which is "We don't negotiate with soulless undead hostage takers, and since most of you at one time were good and fine raised-on-corn-fed-beef-in-the-heartland Americans, this shouldn't surprise you."  But that would require risk taking, and political bravery, which are in short supply in the GOP leadership.

We're used to Democrats responding to any criticism like they do to mentions of God in their own party platform, i.e. with apocalyptic and frankly rather tiresome angst, but for Republicans "leaders" to round up their dark tax covens and try to compete in the "who can promise the most blood" grande prix is just pathetic. 

We expect vampires to act like vampires, but YOU guys aren't even that. You're just sad seasonal suckers; merely opportunists in grey-face. 

We can see you in the mirror, and we can see right through you.

"Vote for me! I've got this vein open wide! Gather 'round!"

"No! No! Watch ME! I'm willing to slice open an ARTERY for you fine folks!"

The Democrats stand by laughing "Can you BELIEVE these poseurs?"

Meanwhile, we're dying. Seriously. As a nation, we're dying.

No, I'm not blaming our imminent demise on corn farmers. Or rather not JUST corn farmers, but rather on ALL those sucking up public funding subsidies (or worse - outright handouts), and there are so many different categories these days one hardly knows where to start! Sorry, corn farmers, I'm starting with you guys, just 'cause it's a just cause. 

Listen, GOP Leadership: Wanna know what We-The-People really want? You know what will not only get our votes but also our freely-given contributions and will have us volunteering for your campaigns? 

We want a Vampire Slayer. 

We don't want a Uniter!

We want a fearless old-school political Exorcist of the first order. 

We don't want someone who will bring us together on common ground. We have no common ground with those who would feed off us while screaming derision at our values and howling for our destruction should we dare back away from the abattoir.

We also want a man who, when he's not out storming castles and burning demons, or quaffing holy water and feasting on garlic, is probably someone's big-hearted brother, uncle, or grandpa who doesn't pretend to be your dad*.

And since he's big-hearted, he'd be willing to end the ethanol subsidies over a few growing seasons instead of all at once, to wean the farmers off the public's blood, so as not to suddenly bankrupt all those who were - let's face it - seduced by the government's dark enticing whispers promising coffin-loads of cash.

That's who we want. And on that note, Scott Walker's campaign just blew it. He may have time to play catch-up, perhaps, but if he's going to then he needs to add a blood-soaked monster-mauler mentor** to his staff, and he needs to do it NOW.  

Because we have greater concerns than our own domestic vampires.

Remember ISIS?  Even though they're the kind of monsters who eat vampires (and RINOs), we really have nothing to fear from them EXCEPT for when we go into battle having just hamstrung ourselves.  And we've been doing that a great deal lately.  

It has to stop. 

* Yes, I ramble on a bit. Bear with me.

** My suggestion: Don Rumsfeld or whomever taught Dakota Meyer to be such a wonderful badass (Dakota himself being a bit young for the job, IMHO, though not lacking in any other way).


  1. I LOVE ethanol.

    In fact, I love it too much, which is why they won't allow me in the liquor store anymore.

  2. Let Idaho have the first primary and we'll be putting vodka in our engines.

  3. But... but.... but.... what about the ethanol that I'm making in my garage? Is that still OK? *** serious concerned face ***

  4. But... but.... but.... what about the ethanol that I'm making in my garage? Is that still OK? *** serious concerned face ***