Finally, a Practical Use for the Nuclear Deal with Iran

A new fatwa in Turkey now allows Muslims to use toilet paper to wipe themselves.

According to traditional Islamic teaching, water, or the left hand are to be used to tidy up after number twos — that, or three stones. “Psst... could you roll me a stone, buddy?”

New use for an old rag

Apparently, paper had been deemed unacceptable for use as a cleaning material, because it is a medium for writing. And writing is a sacred thing in certain cultures, reserved only for those who promote beheading and blowing up infidels, raping children, and keeping women hermetically sealed in lawn & garden bags.

If paper and rocks are now both acceptable materials for personal hygiene, I suggest that those on the rapidly fraying fringe of the Islamic spectrum take it upon themselves to pass a fatwa allowing for the use of scissors as a means to an end. They need to get ripped a new one.