Tuesday, October 18, 2016

'Eskimo Pies' or 'Cheery Gracias?'


Now I don't know about anybody else, but our presidential election can't come soon enough!

Though I'm fairly certain I'm not the only person in the country, nor in other countries for that matter, who has chewed his fingernails down to the first joint, and then chewed the toenails all the way to the balls of his feet.

Believe it when I say that's quite a feat for me, especially since I haven't been able to touch my toes for at least the last eight years or so. That's why I can only wear slip-on "old man" shoes. Laces are a dangerous predicament for me.

As a matter of fact, I haven't even seen my lonely feet since this outcropping of a soapstone blubber gut jutted out from the magmafied innards of this flabby body, completely inundated with Eskimo Pies to alleviate the Demoncrat/Prepubican stress imposed on my life.

Wow!   That was a mouthful!   So are the Eskimo Pies.

By the way, is it okay to say "Eskimo" these days? I wouldn't want to micro-aggress the owners of "Bean and Gerbils" for fear they'd stop making my favorite ice cream, "Cheery Gracias."

I know how sensitive those fudge loving chocolate "flake" kind of guys can be.

Did you notice that I'm not at all worried about the actual Eskimos?

Well, I'm not, since there aren't anymore Eskimos. At least not northern ones.

That darned Al Gory was so prescient when he said all the ice on Earth would melt, starting at the north pole and all the way down to Columbia and regions thereabouts.

Thank goodness for our savior of the planet, Barack "Who's-Sane" Obama.

With his voluminous hot exhalations, he was able to evaporate the rising sea waters which would have quickly flooded the entire Pacific Ocean rim, thus rendering the coastline of the western United States useless, if not completely devastated. (Of course, the flyover states in our country already feel this way about the west coast)

Bear in mind though, that Obama and his party groupies may be partially responsible for the disappearance of all that "ice." He seems to have quite the "nose" for this crony capitalism so we can't give him too much credit. Maybe just ten trillion or so.

Now, back to the Eskimos.

Apparently, before all the ice melted, they were relocated to Haiti to luxuriate for the rest of their days in the splendor of Bill Clinton's newly renovated poly-tarp shanties.

Many of the Eskimos, very uncomfortable with the polyethylene fabric they could chew through so quickly with their gums, found homey comfort by recreating their igloos with block rubble, conveniently stored on open beaches for quick and easy land or water transport.

Only one Eskimo remained on the frozen micro-tundra, Hillar-shook Pillstook, the chilliest woman of the north. That worked out perfectly in a social justice census way, since there was only one last polar bear in existence on the tundra with her.

Their relationship was tenuous at best, until Humak the bear attempted a bite on Hillar-shook which resulted in a massively infected canker sore on Humak's tongue, after which they became the best of friends when Humak realized Hillar-shook was the superior female of the two.

They cavorted together to points south of Canada and ultimately ended up competing as the first female couple on "Dancing With The Bears."

I know.  It's quite a "touching" story.

Anyway, you think I might need some means of modulation for all this presidential "election tension?"


So, what will it be, Eskimo Pies or "Cheery Gracias?"

I think I'll stick with the Eskimo Pies, since there aren't anymore Eskimos to lay claim to my stash.

And, I don't want to upset "Bean and Gerbils."


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