Saturday, July 14, 2012

Reader Submission: Why Johnny Can't Fish

From brycom52:

Why Johnny Can't Read 

 (oh, no...that's not it...lemme see...oh, yeah...)

Why Johnny Can't Fish!
"Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime!"
We could "teach a man to fish", but, first of all, we have to fill out Federal Form 3462(D), Application for Federal Fishing License, in triplicate, forward Copy One to the Federal Bureau of Fisheries and Hatcheries, Copy Two to the Bureau of Land Management, and Copy Three to the State Department of Natural Resources

We then get HUD to certify that the person in question does not: 
(1) already know how to fish 
(2) has not gone through a program teaching how to:
      (a) crab
      (b) harvest lobster
      (c) dive for clams

This process can take up to 45 days, but can be expedited if you can get an authorized representative of Health and Human Services to file a Notarized Affidavit with the Justice Department that the potential Trainee has not been in a Federal Program for job training with the following: Fresh Start, Americorps, (pronounced Ah-mare-ah-corpse!), or any other program from the Federal Bureau of Prisons.

You then apply for a grant from a non-profit Foundation to purchase fishing equipment, including a 32 foot trawler at $1.2 million, nets at $450,000, (used), and a permit to buy Diesel from the Department of Energy

The proposed trainee then must set up a non-profit entity of his own and apply to the IRS for an EIN. After obtaining this number, he takes his corporate resolution papers to a savings bank and opens up an FDIC protected checking account. Then, certifying a check for $50, 000, he goes to the United Nations and gets a Law of the Sea Treaty waiver.

One last thing: he MUST get a "Mercury Free" Certificate from the EPA. Now he is in business.

Of course, he died of starvation while waiting for his HUD certificate, but it's okay...he was a Vet, and his survivors get $250.00 from the VA to assist with his burial expenses!
"Oh, Brave, New World!"

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