Monday, September 17, 2012

Screening the Jurors

I was catching up on Red Eye last night, and they discussed the story of a man who got out of jury duty by claiming to be a racist homophobe.  This isn’t the first time I’ve heard about this.  Back in April 2011, a woman tried the same thing.
Now I’m not opposed to people trying to get out of jury duty, in fact, some people shouldn’t be allowed to serve.  For instance, when I was a criminal, I knew exactly the kind of man I would want serving on my jury.  It was a man like our dear, sweet President Barak: clean, articulate, corrupt, willing to accept a bribe and eager to make more from the situation than the meager daily allowance.  And I use the word ‘man’ purposely.  Not because I am sexist but because the typical female response upon seeing me is to instinctively want to lock me up.  It’s for the children, or so claim the restraining orders for each of the local elementary schools.  I’m planning a trip to Chicago so I can finally play on a swingset again (Yeah Chicago Teachers’ Union). But I digress.
Anyway, I’m not opposed to these people trying to get out of jury duty.  What I’m opposed to is their tactics.  They just aren’t going to be effective.  Haven’t they learned that since 2008, we are living in a post racial America?  If you try this approach, the judge will just think you are joking, and in a few more years, he will just look at you quizzically, wondering to himself what the word ‘racism’ even means (all praise the One).  These days you need to be more creative than just showing up to court with a white pillowcase on your head.  Here are some approaches you can use to get out of jury duty. (Of course, this is also a test.  Points to anyone who can correctly identify which of these approaches still won’t work in Obamatopia.  Explain your answers).

·         Come to the courthouse dressed as a gay cowboy eating pudding.
·         Ask if all of your personalities get a vote.
·         No habla inlges, usted.
·         Oh no, I can be fair and impartial. I hate all races equally.
·         Wink at the defendant and whisper, “Call me.”
·         Quote Matthew 7:1 and claim you aren’t allowed to judge based upon your religious convictions.
·         Oh yeah, I can tell if someone’s guilty just by looking at their aura.
·         Look at the defendant and say, “Dude. We missed you at the 10 year reunion.”
·         Answer all questions in the dark language of Mordor.
·         Tell the lawyers that your favorite movie is The Runaway Jury.
·         On the jury questionnaire under political preference list: anarchist.
·         I would be loving to be serve on this jury of the infidel. Allahu akbar. Sharia.  I brought my own stones.
·         Approach the defendant with open arms. “Come here you. It looks like you just didn’t get enough hugs as a child.”
·         Heads guilty. Tails innocent.
·         Point at the prosecuting attorney, “Remember that day you found out you passed the bar. Man, I have never seen you so stoned.”
·         Before we get started, let me review for you all the prime directive.
·         Glare at the judge and remark stoically, “I know what you did. The angels told me so.”


  1. Oh, and a South Park reference too! Be still my heart! It is a good thing I'm hetero...

  2. I should probably say something actually relevant to the article in my comments, so here goes:

    My favorite tactic for getting out of jury duty is when any attorney asks me how I "feel" about some legal aspect of the case, I say "It doesn’t matter how I feel. What matters is the precise wording of the law. Can you tell us that? And in case it is vague or unclear, I'd have to also ask: Is there any case precedent that has clarified its meaning?"

    They inevitably say something like "Uh, you did answer earlier that you are not an attorney yourself, right?" I truthfully confirm that I’m not and have never been an attorney.

    So far I’ve had a 100% "got kicked off" success rate with this tactic, with the added bonus of a clear conscience because it was an honest question and I would have liked to have heard the answer.