State Department Leaks: Syria

It took a fair amount of indecent pleading on my part, but I got a little something from my man in the State Department.  Just a short transcript of an IM between Obama and Assad.  Obama is username BIG_KAHUNA987.  Apparently he’s convinced himself that he’s actually Hawaiian.

Handwritten note from Obama on top of page: Assad must be getting a little bit bored and a lot bit insane. He keeps bugging me on Google Chat. Like I have time for his Shiite.  He’s making me late for the links.  Note to self: have Sasha teach me how to use this iphone so I can deal with this cretin between putts.


BOY_BASHUR: Hey dude. How’s it hanging?

BIG_KAHUNA987: Like your favorite goat, bro. SSDD.  Whaddup?

BOY_BASHUR: Have a lot of time to think. I’d like your input/suggestions. Designed a program to train up young recruits.

BIG_KAHUNA987: ?

BOY_BASHUR: Yeah. Like boy scouts for little martyrs. I’m working up merit badges and stuff.

BOY_BASHUR: You know, standard skills: wife-beating, citizenship in Dar al Islam, bomb construction, Sharia law, field surgery, beard grooming, propaganda, rage focusing, stone tossing, interrogation resistance, flag burning safety, etc. I’m calling the group Jihadis Eliminating Western Schmucks.

BIG_KAHUNA987: You are aware the acronym would be JEWS? 

BIG_KAHUNA987: and that schmuck is Yiddish?

BOY_BASHUR: Duh. Not very optimal, huh?

BOY_BASHUR: How about Crusading Heroes Raiding Israeli Society Today?

BIG_KAHUNA987: Ok, now I know you’re playing me.

BOY_BASHUR: HAHAHA. Can you smuggle me in some yellow cake?

BIG_KAHUNA987: You know it. When is the next time you have Sean Penn dropping by? We can fit it inside him.  He has several remarkably large orifices.
BOY_BASHUR: LOL.  How do you know?  Did Michelle spill the beans?

BIG_KAHUNA987: You're a load of laughs, schmuck. Allahu akbar.