Monday, November 26, 2012

Scientists Warn of the Next Environmental Threat

Associated Press: Scientists warn of a newly discovered environmental threat destined to wreak havoc upon mankind.  They have termed it Anthropegenic Continental Drift (ACD) or, colloquially, manmade Global Quaking.  Dr. Rajeesh Patel of the University of Bombay explained:

“In the days of Pangea, the continents were all joined together as one happy, utopian land mass, but then it broke apart and the several parts began drifting sadly away.  The drifting or sliding of the tectonic plates creates devastating earthquakes and volcanic activity, and, if the drift continues, the continents will move around the backside of the globe and come together again in a great civilization and beach-front-property-destroying collision.”
As with all global environmental phenomena, the first place to look for blame is mankind.  Dr. Patel further explained man’s complicity in this coming destruction.  “The continents reside atop tectonic plates, and, like all moving parts, the plates require adequate lubrication in order to move.  In the case of the tectonic plates, they are lubricated by a black, slippery substance that has been allowed to build up within the earth.  Scientists have named this substance ‘black gold’ or ‘Texas Tea’ or simply ‘oil.’  The only way to avert environmental calamity is to remove this lubricant at a sufficiently rapid rate to arrest the sliding of the tectonic plates.  Mankind used to be removing this substance from the earth in sufficiently large quantities, but, as can be attested by the ever increasing occurrences of earthquakes and volcanic activity, mankind has been remiss in getting this dangerous substance out of the earth.”
Dr. Patel continues: “The science is settled.  We as people of Earth must put a stop to this coming crisis and invest in extracting as much of this lubricant as possible.  I am also certain that the scientific community may even be able to find a use for this material.”
Even though the threat is dire and the science is settled, there are flat-earthers or racists or shills for Big Wind or Burning Man who deny it and who wish to embrace an oil-averse lifestyle.  For those unwilling to sacrifice their hybrid vehicles or sweaters or those who wish to walk or bike everywhere and utilize solar or wind power, Dr. Patel has only a few simple words: “Shame on you!”
However, there is a way to assuage the guilt of your environmental impact. To allow you to really feel good about yourself again, the good folks at are offering the purchase of 'oil credits.' For the mere price of $200/month, one may continue to live the full hippy experience, guilt-free. For those more concerned about the environment, those willing to sacrifice their lifestyle choices for the sake of Mother Earth, less expensive packages are available. To purchase oil credits send payment to
Lactose the Intolerant
The Van Under the Overpass Down by the River
Farmington, Utah 84025
Oil credits make great Christmas gifts. You and those you love do love the environment, don't you?


  1. Hahahahaha I have to pay $200/month if I wanna go hippy, huh? Hmmmmm. Thinking.

    What if I'm only hippy occasionally? Like for special occasions like the cowboy poetry bandanakini event?

  2. Aren't all the windmills then pushing the continents together at an even faster rate?