Tuesday, March 5, 2013

It's a Good Life, Part 2

Mr. Axelrod:  (Sigh) Well, howdy, Mr. President.  I was looking for you a bit ago.  Michelle said you was out in the yard.
Barack: I was looking at the dog.  Was feeling a might peckish.
Mr. Axelrod:  Oh, that’s good, that’s real good that you was wanting to eat Bo again.  Now you weren’t playing any tricks on your old friend, now, were you?  I mean, remember last year when you – when we had the Occupy folks come by.
Barack: I turned them into monsters and rapists.
Mr. Axelrod: Oh doggone it you didn’t.  They was always monsters and rapists. 
Barack: Funny, smelly looking things, too.
Mr. Axelrod: But good, things, Mr. President.  Really good things.  And it’s real good that you done that.  Oh they are real good.
Barack: Television night tonight.  I’m gonna make television for everybody.
Mr. Axelrod: Oh, you sure are.  Everybody’s lookin’ forward to it.  Just like they do every week when you make television and preempt all the stations for another one of your rousing speeches followed by a Girls marathon.  It’s real good that you do that.
Barack: And we’re going to have a surprise potty training party for Joe too.  He has had to relearn a lot since he displeased me.
Mr. Axelrod: Were you looking for something, sir?  Could I get you something, Mr. President?
Barack: I called a press conference but no journalists came over to play with me today.  Not a single one.  And I wanted someone to play with today.
Mr. Axelrod: Oh, sir, you remember the last time the press came over to play.  The Woodward and Keller boys?
Barack: I had a real good time.
Mr. Axelrod: Oh, sure you did, you had a real good time, and it’s good that you had a good time.  It’s real good.  It’s just that….
Barack: Just that what?
Mr. Axelrod: Well, sir, they reminded everybody how sequestration was your idea and all, and, uh, you well, you swore at them and called them bloody racist traitors and wished them into the cornfield.  People were real upset.
Barack: About what?
Mr. Axelrod: Well, it’s just that if you keep calling people racist and wishing them into the cornfield, there won’t be no one left. Maybe next week we’ll talk some of the folks at NPR or MSNBC into bringing their press over.  They seem to know how to relate to you just fine.  We’ll do that, won’t we?
Barack: And I can show them some of those funny economic models I make, Mr. Axelrod.
Mr. Axelrod: Yeah, yeah, that’s fun.  That’s lots of fun. 
Barack: (dog barking) That’s Hillary calling.
Mr. Axelrod: That’s that dog that comes around.  Yeah, yeah, that does sound like Bill’s bark.  It’s real good that you turned Bill into a dog.  Real good.  The interns are safe now.  Not many dogs left, now sir.  Did you wish them all away?
Barack: I loved them.  They tasted real good.  But they didn’t like me.  I hate anybody like that.  I hate anybody that doesn’t like me.
Mr. Axelrod: Why, everybody loves you, sir. They love you.  You’re everybody’s favorite.
Barack: I heard someone think one time, I don’t remember when, but sometime, that I shouldn’t have wished away $1.4 trillion dollars, or stimulated the economy, or caused energy prices to skyrocket or gave everyone free health care.  They said that it wasn’t good that I did that.  Someone thought that one time.
Mr. Axelrod: Who?  Who thought that?
Barack: Why, that was, uh, Andrew.  Andrew Brietbart.  He owned that website that hated me.  He shouldn’t have blogged those bad thoughts.  That’s why I made him go away.  (Bill-dog barking) That dog.  He doesn’t like me.  He’s a bad dog.  A bad, tasty dog.  (dog whimpering)
Mr. Axelrod: Did you do something to Bill-dog?  Did you sir?
Barack: (licking his lips).  I wished him away. He isn’t outside anymore.
Hillary: It’s a real good thing that you done that, honey.  It’s a real good thing.

Stay tuned for Part 3 after this word from our sponsor.
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