Monday, March 11, 2013

Kerry Reporting for Duty in Cairo

Secretary of State Kerry was met with violent protests during his trip to Egypt last week.  Don’t believe the press when they tell you it was just due to regular old anti-American sentiment.  My leak in State has learned some other things about the Kerry trip that are the real reasons for the protests against the new Secretary.
·         Kerry gifted President Morsi with a honey-baked ham and a case of bourbon.
·         When introduced to a local imam, Kerry exclaimed, “You’re not the real Santa,” and began tugging on the imam’s beard.
·         When he was awakened by the morning call to prayer, he cursed Allah and threw his shoe at the Muezzin in the minaret, screaming, “Don’t you know I have jet lag, you stupid twit?”
·         He called the receptionist at his hotel front desk to complain that there wasn’t a free Gideon Bible in his room and that he couldn't understand the book that was in the drawer of his nightstand because it was written in squiggly and could he please get another one because he accidentally started this one on fire but it was okay because he also accidentally dropped it in the toilet after attempts to put out the flames with spit and urine failed.
·         He presented President Morsi with a novelty button with a caption that was supposed to read “Reporting for Duty” in Arabic.  However, due to a translation error, the caption actually read: “What? You expect me to believe that ham, bacon and pork chops all come from the same magical animal?”
·         He kept interrupting the proceedings and asking when he was going to get to meet The Bangles.
·         He kept asking President Morsi to explain to him how the Egyptian cotton industry could thrive without slavery.
·         As he was settling down in President Morsi’s private jet, he suddenly yelled, “Wanna see some mother huggin’ snakes on this mother huggin’ plane?” Then he threw down his staff, looked confused when nothing happened and then began mumbling something about that being the last time he ever believed something a Bush told him.
·         He was heard whispering to President Morsi, “You know, since all these women look alike clad in burkas, it would be easy to accidentally take the wrong ones home with us. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more).”
·         He was overheard arguing with the Customs Agent.  “It’s an honest mistake.  With all I hear about people constantly getting stoned in this country, I thought it was obligatory that I bring my own pot and heroin.”        
·         For days he refused to entreat with anyone but Pharaoh.
·         He began every speech by quoting John 3:12.
·         During lunch he was heard asking President Morsi, “You can be straight with me.  Don’t you regret ever letting those people go?”
·         On the last day of his visit, he petulantly refused to come out of his room unless they promised to show him the Stargate and a real live mummy.
·         He was handing out copies of Uncle Sid’s Guide to Homeschool Your Hellions.  They didn’t find it amusing, but you might.  And it is for charity.

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