Monday, April 29, 2013

A Baby Gift for Frank J

In appreciation for this rather unexpected opportunity to guest post at IMAO, I’d like to offer Frank J the one thing that new parents value more than just about anything else: unsolicited parenting advice.  I still have five children that I have been unable to unload on either the Chinese or Gypsy black markets, so I know a thing or two about dealing with recalcitrant babies.
Questions?  Questions?  Questions?  New parents can come up with three questions.  How do you stop a baby from crying?  How do you get them to sleep through the night?  How do you keep them from climbing out of their cribs and coming to your bed? 
If we learned anything from Avatar, it is that anything primitive cultures do is beautiful and lovely and in complete harmony with the universe.  And, if we learned anything from Macgyver, it is that the solution to any problem can be created from items found in a typical garage, Radio Shack or high school chemistry lab.  My parenting techniques combine the ancient, irrefutable wisdom of the primitive and the modern know how of Macgyver. 
Let me tell you how to raise your little primitives the Macgyver way.

How do I stop my baby from crying/How do I get my baby to sleep through the night?
The solution to both these issues is the same, and it is very simple to construct and implement.  It is based upon the wisdom of the Native Americans.  To Native American women and children, the ability to hide in silence from a war party was a matter of life and death.  A crying infant was often not just a nuisance but a death sentence, and all Native American mothers trained their infants to be silent from birth.  Their technique was simple.  Whenever the baby cried, the mother would firmly clasp her hand over the baby’s mouth and nose, suffocating it for a short while.  The baby would soon be conditioned not to cry.  It was a beautiful thing.
However, without the threat of constant danger, modern mothers find this technique unpalatable and observers might decide to turn them into the authorities when such techniques are witnessed.  But, with the application of the Macgyver method, the same principles can be applied without having to subject the mother to the undue stress of apparently being cruel to her child, and the treatment can be done entirely in the privacy of one’s own home.  The solution comes in the form of a small device that can be attached to a mobile hung above the baby’s crib.  When the baby is silent, the device will emit the soothing smells of lilac and huckleberry.  When the baby cries, the device will emit a soft, calming mist of pepper spray.  In no time at all, the baby will learn not to cry.  But will the baby be sleeping throughout the night?  Who knows for sure?  But it will surely sound like he/she is sleeping through the night.
Items needed to construct: Two sound activated switches, reversible motor, can of lilac/honeysuckle air freshener, a can of pepper spray (mace or bear mace may be required if the baby is older than 3 months), stickers, bangles, etc to disguise the device from nosy neighbors/relatives/state officials/etc.
How do you keep infants from climbing out of their cribs and coming to your bed?
The ancient Zulus would keep their children in their beds by erecting thorny fortifications around the bed so the child would be pricked and stuck and prevented from escaping.  The Macgyver solution to this problem is more modern and very simple, and it requires only a small quantity of conductive foil, wires or strips, super glue, jumper cables and a car battery.  Simply glue the conductive material all the way around the perimeter of the crib rails and connect them to the car battery with the jumper cables.  The final step is a simple demonstration.  While the child is watching, merely ground the cat and use it to close the circuit.  The precocious child will then have learned that he/she doesn’t really want to climb out of the crib.  For the less intelligent child, it is recommended that you first teach them not to cry before implementing this technique, unless you want a few unnecessary interruptions of your sleep.
Bonus tip: How do I keep my children from running around like a bunch of hellions? 
The simple solution to this problem can be learned from the ancient Peruvians, and it merely involves understanding the proper nutrition your child needs in order to thrive, and then withholding it.  The diet of the ancient Peruvians consisted mostly of boiled beans.  The adults and older children would eat the beans while the water the beans were cooked in was reserved for the infants and babies.  The water contained barely enough nutrition to sustain the children’s lives.  Their bodies were too busy just struggling to survive, leaving no energy for shenanigans.  Not even Macgyver can top the simplicity of this approach.
But this is only a taste of the ancient parenting secrets now available.  For more child-rearing tips, see Uncle Sid’s Guide to Homeschool Your Hellions.  It’s only $5.99 at Amazon, and all the proceeds go to a charity that helps minorities in third world countries get education and job training. 
Note: The safety and efficacy of these parenting tips has been conducted under carefully controlled conditions using rogue midgets (I’m sorry, little people) provided by Nevada Corrections.  Nevada Corrections was so impressed with the results, they have begun implementing the program in Juvenile and midget facilities.  Very few midgets were harmed in the development of this program.  Can you even harm a midget?  They’re freaky, and I’m pretty sure they are soulless and have no feelings.

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