Thursday, April 25, 2013

Searching for Answers

In the aftermath of the Boston bombing, the search for answers to the inevitable question, "Why" has begun and the answer is becoming clear: It's YOUR fault. YOU drove him to this! Well, you and "society." And by "society," they of course mean you.

And how did you do this? By watching boxing, by supporting him on welfare, by, well, existing.

The New York Times has given my favorite reason so far: He blew up the Boston Marathon because he was "angry that the world pictures Islam as a violent religion." 

Let me repeat that: He blew up the Boston Marathon because he was "angry that the world pictures Islam as a violent religion." 

It's YOUR fault, you Islamophobic cretins.

You can't make this stuff up.

So, in the interest of fairness, let me find a few more ways that society and you can be at fault for Boston, without having to look at the religion.
He was:
  • Upset that the Red Sox/Patriots/Celtics/Bruins didn't win the World Series/Super Bowl/NBA Championship/Stanley Cup.
  • Angry that Bill Belichick cheating gave the impression that Bill Belichick cheats.
  • Practicing for the upcoming Russian/Chechen Moscow Bomb-a-thon.
  • Overcome with loathing of people who think it's fun to run 26.2 miles.
  • Upset that his welfare checks stopped coming.
  • Bored, because seriously:What is there for a sober, bacon-free 26-year-old to do in Boston anyway?
  • Looking for a professorship at an elite East Coast University.
  • Trying out for that show, "Destroy Build Destroy." He just didn't get to the "Build" part.
  • Tired of all the publicity and goodwill that New York gets just for being blown up on 9/11 and wanted to bring some of that to Boston.
  • Educated at an elite prep school, so no wonder he hates America.
  • Mad that all the guys were voted off American Idol.
  • Trying to make Obama look good by giving him a bomber that didn't take a decade to hunt down and kill.
  • Crazy mad that no one knows where Chechnya is.
  • Jealous of all the attention mass shootings get. He wanted equal time for bombings.
  • Hoping to force Congress' hand in enacting Common Sense Cookware Control.
  • Desirous of meeting Diana Oughton, one of Billy Ayers' old girlfriends.
  • Really not fond of Monday


  1. He was pissed that America beat the Chechen Republic in Soccer

  2. :D

    He wanted to impress Jodie Foster.

    or, alternately:

    He wanted to impress John Hinckley.

  3. He blew a gasket when he found out that the show "Robot Chicken" WASN'T about his home country of Chicknya

    1. He was upset about the boycott of Chech-fil-a.

  4. Claims Borat stole the Chechen national anthem in the movie.

    1. Was mad that Borat turned gay and changed his name to Bruno.