Monday, May 13, 2013

I Think Frank J May Need a Little More Advice

Since the Frank family seems to be Pitocin challenged, I thought I could help out with some more unsolicited advice.  Here are some of the ways we used to induce labor back in the old days.
·         Take a trip to the trampoline park.
·         Force the expectant mother to march up and down the stairs to the beat of you playing the Twilight soundtrack on your vuvezela.
·         Remind the unborn child that Obamacare is being implemented, and the mandatory abortion clause may become effective any day now.
·         Tell the unborn child that your ob/gyn is going on vacation tomorrow, and the substitute physician will be Kermit Gosnell.
·         Smoke a wee bit of crack, and then tell the unborn child he gets no more until he comes out.
·         Show the unborn child the analysis you have done that demonstrates that each day he is past the due date statistically increases his chances of being sold to the gypsies.  (I ran the numbers through Michael Mann’s algorithm, so it of course produced a hockeystick shaped curve.  Don’t argue, the science is settled).
·         Assure the unborn child that Mother’s Day is past now, so he doesn’t have to be ashamed he didn’t get mommy a gift now.
·         Let the unborn child know that every day he waits to be born is just one day more he has to wait to get legally drunk.
·         Tell the unborn child not to be afraid to be born.  You would never enter him in underground drunken toddler knife fights without properly training him first.
·         Assure the unborn child that though the world may seem bleak right now, no matter how scary she looks, you would never let Nancy Pelosi eat him.

[Cross posted at IMAO]

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