Friday, June 7, 2013

An Open Letter to PRISM (as if everything weren't open already, LOL)

It's all dark.
I have a few choice words aimed at the artificial intelligences that lurk in the bowels of PRISM, ceaselessly monitoring major Internet servers, extracting audio, video, photographs, e-mails, documents and connection logs, and “quite literally can watch your ideas form as you type.”

What you are doing smacks of nothing short of pure communi... communication technology oversight that is long overdue. I, for one, welcome such supervision, and can now sleep in peace, knowing that a benevolent, all-seeing eye is keeping us safe from all enemies, foreign and domestic – especially domestic. Speaking of which, have you seen some of the subversive stuff that has been making the rounds on the blogs and Facebook these days? Ha ha – how silly of me. Of course you have.

Hey, I just had a crazy idea: what if government agencies, like, say, the NSA and the IRS, could somehow compare notes and cross-reference phone and Internet data with lists of dangerous organizations, such as those that have words like "patriot" and "Tea Party" in their titles? Sometimes I amaze myself with my cleverness. Do you think there could be an opening for me in the current administration?

Where was I? Oh, yes. This type of activity obviously amounts to an abu... abundant use of government resources that constitutes nothing less than an inva... invariably steadfast effort to secure our government-given rights. I mean, how could the authors of the Constitution, in an era when the printing press was the apex of communications technology, have possibly conceived of a time when people around the globe could chat with each other instantly, and share things like jello recipes that could easily be modified to concoct much more dangerous substances, such as soft drinks.

Frankly, I think you are all sons of bi... big league thinkers, who brilliantly foresaw that their progeny would grow up to become the kind of people who would use their skills and education to develop such bull... bullish optmimsm for the potential of big government to protect our lives and liberties in perpetuity, or for as long as its representatives can be reelected and draw ever-increasing pensions.

Well, I'm afraid that I must cut this missive short, as I hear someone at the door...


  1. I share your bullish optimism :-)

    Also, all this time I thought you were just NP's "picture guy". Turns out you've got mad skillz at the keyboard, too.

    Flaunt them more often, please.

  2. Why, thanks! It means a lot to a sketchy Salieri, coming from someone with the Mozart mojo.

    Even when I get inspired and it flows, like this piece, it takes an embarrassingly long time and dozens of edits before I'm comfortable hitting "Publish."