Friday, July 26, 2013

Comprehensive Immigration Reform

Well, since the debate is heating up on Capitol Hill as to how to bolster the democRat party by giving them a new underclass to pander to, or, rather, legalizing the underclass they already pander to, I think it might be time to look at ways we can "fix" our "broken" immigration system.

We have millions of undocumented immigrants pouring across our borders, committing crimes (other than the obvious: immigrating illegally), causing havoc with our public services, and sucking up taxpayer funds for free health care. not to mention the threat to national security and all sorts of other ills too numerous to mention here.

The debate is heating up: should we grant amnesty, deport the lot of them, or throw them into huge arenas in a giant free-for-all fight to the death?

I have a solution.

This is, I believe, another case of so-called "Progressives" causing a problem with really lousy policy, then declaring an "Emergency" that only they can "fix" in a fair and equitable way. In the mid-sixties, liberal saint Teddy drunKennedy decided what we really needed was to change our immigration system to bring in more low-skilled, uneducated, unmotivated people, as opposed to the more selective system we had previously, where we imported people with knowledge and skills the country could use who wanted to make their lives better by making their new nation better. Yeah, I guess we had too many of those, already.

Now, I'm realistic enough to know we aren't going to be able to deport every illegal immigrant who is already "living in the shadows." But I bet we could shine a light on them and get a bunch of them to scuttle off like cockroaches. And when they get back to where they came from, we seal the border. I hear people saying a border fence won't work. Someone suggested, perhaps facetiously, a moat filled with alligators. That was shouted down as a stupid idea, which it was. You need too much water to keep alligators. What we need is dinosaurs.

When I make Frank J. of IMAO my Border Security Czar, the first thing I will task him with is creating a Tyrannosaurus Rex force, with a staff specially trained to saddle and ride them. The dinosaurs should have rocket launchers attached to each side of their heads and instead of those little stubby arms, machine guns. We could use other dinosaurs, too, as the situation presented itself, but if you really want to make an impression, nothing says, "We Mean Business" like a pack of well armed T. Rexes.

While that force was being developed, we'd be reinforcing the border not with a wall, but with two. They would each be 100 feet tall, and made of Teflon, so nothing would stick to them. They would be inclined away from the U.S., so no one could easily scale them. And there would be a distance of a quarter mile between them, so the Dinosaur Squad could patrol the interstitial space.

The best part of this plan is that people would still try to get across, which would provide food for the dinosaurs, helping to keep the cost of maintaining them down. And you could compost the large quantities of dinosaur manure to sell as fertilizer, providing more funds for the program.

I know there are those that will say it's cruel to combat illegal immigration by converting illegal immigrants to dino-poo, but as these are usually those who justify programs like universal surveillance and traffic tickets issued via camera by saying "If you're not doing anything wrong, you don't have anything to worry about," I don't think they have any right to complain. I'll just say, "Right back at ya!"

Beyond border security, we could also make illegal immigration a felony punishable not by prison time, but by the amputation of body parts. I know people will complain that this is "cruel and unusual," but in my opinion, that is a "Logical and, " meaning that the punishment can be cruel or it can be unusual, but it can't be both. If there are 11 or 12 million illegal immigrants in this country, it may be cruel, but it certainly wouldn't be unusual if we actually made the attempt to catch them. I suggest amputating feet. It's much harder to "Make a Run for the Border" if you ain't got no feet.

Alternately, we could ship all the illegals we get to so-called "sanctuary cities," then wall those cities off, just like the border. Then we cut off all federal aid to those cities. San Francisco wants to flout the law? Alright, but I'm not going to pay for it. And don't come running when you're broke. Consider it your penance for inflicting Nancy Pelosi on the rest of us.

I suppose there will be some immigrants here illegally that we might want to keep. Might I suggest that they not be allowed to vote, or receive public assistance for, oh, I don't know, twenty years or so. Also, they ought to be required to learn English. If the democRats are REALLY concerned about making peoples lives better and not just increasing their demographic base, they will jump on this offer. But as they're simply race demagogues and vote whores, they won't.

I'm just sick to death of the democRats acting as though the snippet of Emma Lazarus' poetry on the Statue of Liberty is official U.S. policy and as though it reads", You're huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Also eat free. And drink free. And get free housing. And free healthcare."

All we really need to do to "fix" our "broken" immigration system is to follow the laws that we already have, but as the lawless buffoon in the White House has shown us, the democRat party is about anything but following the law.

But, I would take 10,000 do-nothing immigrants who leech off the system for every democRat congresscritter that we could send to the immigrants' country of origin. 100,000 for Pelosi, Reid and Obama. And it would be a bargain.


  1. arik "I have a solution" matthews is back! Woo hoo! :)

    1. I'm full of solutions.

      Or full of SOMETHING!

  2. Make sure the dinosaurs also don't have feathers. Cause that's just ridiculous.

    1. But we could engineer them in different colors. What could be cooler than a big purple dinosaur?

  3. I still say we need two 15-foot high chain link fences, 20 feet apart. I realize the non-drybacks will just climb them, but that will slow them down long enough for the Marine-trained marksmen in the towers 200 yards back to draw a proper bead on them.
    As for body disposal...critters gotta eat, too!

    1. But Marine target practice is neither so fun nor as totally awesome as dinosaurs.