Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Unnonymiss: Help Me Help Anony

Anonymiss is Sick
My sister doesn't understand how things work. She thinks that when unfortunate things occur, you should feel sad, try to fix it, and work through it.  What an unpleasant thought.  Who wants to be sad? Who wants to put forth effort when it's not even your fault? What an outdated attitude. She'd be so much happier if she just realized that all of her problems will be solved by the government.  Why fret about friends lost or jobs forgotten? Geez. She's clearly suffering from an acute case of Insufficient Dwarf Syndrome (IDS). She didn't cause it. She's obviously eligible for help from the compassionate arms of our caring government bureaucracy.

Thankfully, Obamacare has provisions for Dwarf Replacement Therapy. All she needs to do is contact her local Insufficient Dwarf Syndrome Agency (IDSA) and go in and fill out the paperwork. Most of the tests, I'm sure, will be necessary, mostly painless and minimally-invasive. Her complete medical, psychological, financial and romantic history will be examined carefully and systematically to best meet her IDS needs.

Goverment appointed dwarves don't discriminate by ethnic heritage, cranial or mandibular follicular density, gender, sexual preference or height. Of course, they won't harbor any prejudices. That is unacceptable. All government appointees are unilaterally tolerant. Frankly, all the dwarves I've ever seen around here are white males. Nuking Politics really needs to get a much more culturally diverse dwarf base. If her IDS is treated, this blog will be much better than it was before. Non-essential qualities such as familiarity, affection, experience together or wit will not be taken into account. That wouldn't be fair.

Her untreated IDS is so grim that she is stressed and lonely. She has't even done Zumba today. Instead of her usual "I'm Wishing" or "Whistle While You Work" I heard her singing "Never Ever Getting Back Together". That is very uncharacteristic.

My sister and I have our differences. True. But, frankly, I'm sick of her sulking and whining.

Help me convince her to rely on the government?


  1. Government initiative to address Insufficient Dwarf Syndrome:
    Alternative Minimum Dwarf

  2. So... where do I go to apply for a job as a government replacement dwarf?