Which Way the Smoke Blows

A new report from the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change claims that despite abundant evidence to the contrary, unprecedented warming of the earth's atmosphere and oceans has occurred since the mid-20th century, and puts the blame squarely on you, the viewer.

This report, which some say may be more accurate than Dick Morris’ prediction of next year’s Kentucky Derby trifecta, brought a former Wall Street Journal meteorologist to tears. Eric Holthaus tweeted Friday, “No children, happy to go extinct, which in and of itself, carries a certain sadness. #IPCC”

Holthaus also cited another credible source, a Dutch artist known as Tinkebell, who calls attention to animal rights issues through works that use dead animals’ remains, and who recently had herself sterilized for a similar reason.

Minutes later he tweeted, “I realized just now: This has to be the last flight I ever take. I’m committing right now to stop flying. It’s not worth the climate.”

This leads me to the following questions:

• The WSJ has a weatherman?
• How can I get a gig like that?
• What are some more signs that your meteorologist is imbibing in powerful hallucinogens?

Meanwhile, actor Leonardo DiCaprio, who, to my knowledge, has never even played the role of a weatherman, is urging people to sign a petion on his Facebook page. He insists, “The science is in: climate change is real and man-made. The debate is over. Spread the word and demand action.” “We call on you to respond to the unequivocal findings of the IPCC report with ambitious action to stop catastrophic climate change.”

This has inspired me to do my part to combat what is clearly a serious issue. I hereby vow not to expend a drop of fossil fuel, or spend money to watch anything featuring Mr. DiCaprio, unless it is on a device that is entirely solar or wind powered. What? Wind turbines only provide less than 1 percent of the electrical power in the U.S., while killing hundreds of thousands of birds each year? A small price, if a few dozen among them are of a certain species of disgusting, carnivorous raptors, symbols of American imperialism.

I do admire Leo’s zeal. I can only hope his commitment will be as consummate as that of Mr. Holthaus and “Tinkebell,” and that they can convince many of like minds to follow suit. If unwarranted alarmism is a genetic trait, the world may appreciate a significant change for the better, not to mention a welcome increase in legroom on those interminable flights to far-flung climate conferences.