Monday, January 11, 2016

NP Presidential Primary Endorsements

As the primary season approaches, it is incumbent upon us as American citizens to choose wisely those who would be the standard bearers for our political parties. Here at Nuking Politics, we take this responsibility quite seriously. After much consultation and consideration (and beer), we have decided on the candidates we can endorse as the presidential contenders for the two major parties.

We would like to give an overview of the candidates, and our reasons for our decisions in order that you, our readers, might make the best, most informed decision possible.


Good. Let's go.
Starting off, we have the man everyone believes to be the "Establishment Choice:" Jeb Bush. We can start off by noting that "JEB" isn't even his real name: it's John Ellis Bush. His campaign appears to be based either on the fact that his father and brother were already president, so, hey, no fair that he doesn't get to do it, too, while simultaneously trying to tell us that he's completely different from them and would do everything completely different, except for the stuff that would be exactly the same. Which is which? Who knows? Who cares? Thumbs down to Bush the Third.

Next up, we have Ben Carson, or as the democRats like to call him, the Republican House N#$%^." Because the democRats are totally not racist to think that, if you happen to be black, you absolutely must believe everything the democrat party says and does, or you are a slave to the white aristocracy or something. Now, honestly, we're not sure exactly sure what sort of president he would make. It obviously takes gonads of titanium to be a successful neurosurgeon, but that's small potatoes to what it will take to suffer the slings and arrows of the outrageously racist left. His soft-spoken demeanor makes us wonder if he would tell the stupid democRats (but we repeat ourselves) to sit down and shut up when they try to tell him to get to the back of the bus, where they think he belongs.

Then there's Chris Christie. Contrary to popular belief, his major achievement is NOT single-handedly demolishing the Mt. Olympus Burger at the Clinton Station Diner. It is, instead, being not only elected, but Re-elected in terribly democratic New Jersey. Plus, he's blustery and gets cranky when someone says something dumb or asks him a stupid question, which is, this being New Jersey, pretty much an every day thing. But then, there's his BIG liability. No, not his weight! What is it with you fatty haters? Gees! His big liability is his bromance with Obama after Sandy in 2012, which, some would say, quite possibly cost Romney the election. Yeah, four more years of Obama because Christie wanted to get all slobbery with him is kind of hard to overlook...

After Christie. we have Carly Fiorina. I mean, that face, would you vote for that??? Heck, yeah, we would, strong women are hot. You'd hit it, you know you would. Because she's not just strong, she's rich, and that is also pretty hot. I bet even chicks would hit that, which would be hot squared, totally. But we digress... The biggest concern with Fiorina is that she would have to go up. most likely, against Hillary. Fine, you might say, woman against woman, negate that argument. But that would miss the most important thing: Against a man, Hillary might be able to play the "you wouldn't hit a girl, would you?" card, but that wouldn't work against Fiorina. So, you say, what's the problem? Well, Hillary might have to rely on some skill other than being a woman and that might result in Fiorina being turned into a newt on national television. Which, if we're being honest, would be riveting television, but not so good for the nation as a whole.

The next candidate is former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore. Who? What?

From there, we go to Mike Huckabee, who showed some life in the polls, early in the race. In 2008. We're not sure there's any real reason that Huckabee is running. He seems like a nice enough guy, and all, but frankly, his chances of winning the Presidency seem a whole lot smaller than his chances of making a lot of money on a Fox News show were.

Ohio governor John Kasich is up next. If you listen to him speak, you will hear an odd accent not typically associated with Ohio. This is because he was actually born and raised in McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania, which is just down the river from Pittsburgh, which is Steelers Country. And while Ohioans might have adopted him to the extent that they made him their governor...well, being from Steelers Country means he's probably not smart enough to run the country. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

Did you know Rick Santorum was running again? Neither did we.

Ted Cruz appears to be a solid conservative choice: He makes the establishment crazy, reads Dr. Seuss on the Senate floor, and is from Texas, which is an important thing. To Texans. But though he is a natural born citizen, due to his mother's citizenship, he was actually born in Canada. And if there's one thing worse than someone born in Steelers Country, it's someone born in Canuckistan. You can't trust those Canadians (link NSFW (but hilarious): language), with their beady little eyes, their flapping heads so full of lies. And if ever there were a perfect choice for a Manchurian Candidate, it would be Ted Cruz.

Then there's Rand Paul, Ron Paul's son. While we might like his adherence to Constitutional principles, when it comes to foreign policy, the apple has not fallen far from the tree. We're already watching the Middle East go up in flames. With his non-interventionist policies, we are afraid we might watch it go up in a mushroom cloud.

Speaking of foreign policies that don't work, we go to Marco Rubio. Forgive us if we're wrong, but his foreign policy appears to be to import millions of foreign democrat voters and turn the U.S. into a third world country. We don't need that. We've seen the third world: We've been to Detroit. Perhaps if he said, he'd build a big wall, throw out the illegals who've entered unlawfully, or those who have overstayed their visas, then start admitting those with skills other than dropping babies and filling out welfare applications, we'd consider endorsing him. But why go for Rubio, when you have Ted Cruz and Donald Trump, who already stand for some version of that plan?

And speaking of Donald Trump: Donald Trump. What more can you say? He's worth a buttload of money, says what he feels like saying and irritates everyone in the process. as our Host and Fearless Leader Keln says, "Elect Trump and it will make them implode." And further, he invokes the "nuking the Moon" strategy that will the whole world know that, yes, indeed, we are that effin' nuts. But Keln didn't go far enough. He concludes his post: "We need to vote for a monkey. Trump is the monkey." And that's all well and good, but if we're going to take a trip to insanity, we need to makes sure we finish the trip. What we need to do is genetically splice Donald Trump with an actual monkey to create the perfect candidate for 2016. And that's why Nuking Politics proudly endorses:


(Artist's Conception: Actual Appearance
 of Trumpmonkey may vary)

Just think: you get all the brash, don't give a darn bravado and ego of Donald Trump, with the awesomeness of a monkey. Monkeys are cool. Who doesn't like monkeys? Monkey haters, that's who! Don't hate: Vote Trumpmonkey in the 2016 Republican Primary.

Now, we have to look at candidates on the democRat side. As you may have guessed, the Nuking Politics Editorial Staff tends to skew a bit conservative, so  it was kind of difficult to look at any of these candidates as a serious contender for our votes. However, "difficult" is not "impossible," so we took one for the team and waded into the sewer that is modern democRat political thought to give you a serious look at what to expect.

First up in the lineup is Martin O'Malley, the former mayor of Baltimore and the former governor of Maryland. Since he's running on how well he performed in his prior positions, let's take a look: Enacted tough gun control laws in Baltimore. Record number of homicides per capita this year in Baltimore, city on the brink of anarchy. Maryland was so impressed with his performance that, after his tenure they ignored his handpicked successor and elected only the second Republican since the late '60s. Not exactly ringing endorsements.

Then we get Bernie Sanders, who sound like the cranky old man in the movie "Up." If they were casting for Mr. Wilson in a new Dennis the Menace movie, he would be near the top of the list of possibles. Of course, that would mean he had to do something that more or less resembled productive work, and that might mean he would see how moronic his avowedly Socialist views are. Sanders is an economic illiterate who thinks he can expand welfare by tens of trillions by taxing a few hundred billionaires. Yeah, he doesn't math.We had considered endorsing him just for the comedic possibilities, but considering his advanced age, and apparent dementia, it would be too easy to make fun of the handicapped.

Speaking of advanced age, Hillary Clinton isn't far behind Sanders. Her main qualification for the office is apparently her uterus. We hate to break it to her, but there are many, MANY uteri in the U.S, a vast number of which are in women far more qualified to be President than she. She likes to point to her "experience" of being First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State as qualifying her, but is completely unable to point out a single positive accomplishment she achieved in any of those offices. And no, smearing the women her husband raped and harassed is not an accomplishment. She is a putrid, pestilent prevaricator,

Which leaves us with a quandary: who to endorse.

So, we thought outside the box. Who has no experience, no qualifications, is stupid enough to be entertaining, and is at least honest about their dishonesty. Seriously: this is an election where even "Deez Nuts" is pulling almost 9% in North Carolina.

That brings to mind the only logical choice for democRat candidate for president, one who is already on the ballot in New Hampshire, no less. For democRat Candidate for President, Nuking Politics proudly endorses:

Vermin Supreme.

Yes, Vermin Supreme is the only logical choice for the party to put forward as their candidate in November: He's entertaining, liberal, and loves to give away free stuff. In fact, he has promised everyone a free pony if he's elected. And ponies are AWESOME, just ask any 12-year-old girl. If we got a pony, though, we're not sure where we'd put it. The basement is already reserved for the narwhal and the manatee, and the attic for the unicorn. You'd think that unicorns and ponies would get along pretty well, but unicorns are pretty territorial. 

Plus Vermin Supreme believes in prepping for the Zombie Apocalypse, which is something we actually wholeheartedly endorse. Can't be too prepared for Zombiegeddon. He even includes a plan for zombie-based energy, which is, on the whole, a lot more realistic than anything put forward by the current administration or the other candidates.

Also time travel research, which is obviously more suited to Muslim outreach than NASA. Just think of the possibilities!

So, there you have it: Nuking Politics Endorsements for Presidential Candidates, 2016:

Republican: Trumpmonkey

democRat: Vermin Supreme.

With these candidates on the ballot in November, it can't help but be an entertaining year.


Disclaimer: There may or may not have been an actual consultation about who Nuking Politics was or wasn't going to endorse, and these choices may or may not reflect the opinions of any or all of the Nuking Politics staff. There is a strong possibility the author of this piece merely pulled a lot of this info straight out of his butt.  Or not. You never can tell.

Editor's note: There was NOT a consultation on who Nuking Politics endorses. As the editor, nay, OVERLORD of Nuking Politics, I reserve the right to endorse candidates without consulting my minions on the matter. And I have already endorsed Trump. I refuse to endorse any Democrats except for Trump, who might technically qualify as one of those too. - Keln

Author's addendum; Told you!

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