Tuesday, October 30, 2012

To Woo Women

Recent polling is showing that Obama is losing his lead among woman voters as many are swinging toward Romney.  His war on men seems to have been largely ineffective.  With a week to go, he’s going to be ramping up both the man-hate and the women-love to try and woo these women voters back.  Campaign insiders have leaked that Obama/Biden are planning the following (I'm beginning to think the Obama/Biden ticket may be sexist):
·         In order to finally give women a female Vice President candidate they can feel good about voting for, Biden will be getting emergency sex reassignment surgery.  Pig lipstick will be included with the procedure.
·         Under their new 5 point plan for American, footwear may be listed as itemized tax deductions.
·         Their new budget proposes spending $90,000,000,000 on finding the cures for split ends, broken nails and bloating.  $10,000,000 is earmarked for designing and selecting the colors for the associated support ribbons.  Funding will come from money earmarked for prostate cancer research and a 175% tax on beer (light beer excluded).
·         Under the direct supervision of their significant others, semi-annual makeovers will be required for all men.  Men without a significant other will be placed in the stocks and mocked mercilessly. 
·         They will be slipping an amendment into the newest assault weapons ban requiring that all men must also register their ‘guns’ with local authorities and have them surgically equipped with a safety mechanism controlled by their significant other.  Men without a significant other will have their 'guns' placed in cryogenic storage until such time as it is appropriate to return them.
·         Michelle will be releasing a tell-all campaign advertisement about her first time with Barack.
·         Women will be allowed to change their mind and switch their vote anytime before December 31, 2016.
·         For convenience, women will be allowed to vote for President when they call in to vote for American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance and America’s Next Top Model.  All rules regarding multiple voting will still apply.
·         For the purposes of inheritance, all birthrights will be transferred to the firstborn daughter.
·         All men will be injected with a mixed cocktail of female hormones every 28 days so they can see what it is like.
·         In order to increase the influence of women in the President’s Cabinet, Obama is proposing the creation of the Departments of Cooking, Cleaning, Arts and Crafts.
·         Obama is proposing a new arm of law enforcement, the Fashion Police, who, depending upon the severity of the offense, will be empowered to mock, jeer, cane or stone offenders at their discretion.
·         Mandatory back waxings for everyone.


  1. Ooooh. Geez. I may be changing my vote...and I think I need to get a significant other. LOL

  2. Don't forget that anti-Romney ad Obama was playing on the radio where he compared 4 years of Romney to 1 date with me. No one want's that. no one.

  3. I must have missed that one. They probably only play it in Detroit area bars. How else would a radio ad comparing Romney years to a walkingdead date be effective? People would have to know you. :P

    1. I'm pretty famous in Ohio. It is a swing state so it's been playing there all the time. Just ask Keln.

    2. Cool. So I bet you have a fan club. A big group of Obama supporters from Ohio and Michigan who don't want to date you. Hmm. You could send me the link... and I could see if you could get famous in Wisconsin too...

      Apparently it's working. Keln said he DEFINITELY doesn't want to date you.

    3. Btw, walkingdead, I wanna be famous in Ohio. How do I get in one of those anti-Romney ads? huh?