Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Islamic State to Disband in Wake of SUPCO Gay Marriage Ruling

In a stunning move, a coalition of Islamic State leaders has agreed to relinquish the group’s goal of establishing a worldwide Islamic caliphate, and has announced a plan to dissolve the movement.

IS leaders say the impetus behind this revolutionary transformation was the United States Supreme Court’s recent ruling requiring states to recognize marriages between same-sex couples.

IS spokesman Abu Muhammad al-Adnani, in a rare video appearance released by Al Arabiya said, “This development has sincerely moved us. Seeing the recent joyous celebrations in America has changed our worldview entirely.” Sporting a rainbow-striped taqiyah, al-Adnani contritely lamented, “How silly we have been to take the Koran literally, and try to bring the judgment of Allah over all the earth.”

Naturally, this incredible turnabout is not popular among many Islamic hardliners. In a profanity-laden audio release, Abd al-Rahman Mustafa al-Qaduli, the deputy leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant said, “What in Allah’s name is happening? Have the Jews spiked your camel milk with coocoo weed? Our very existence is defined by hating, killing, and destroying everything that is not Islamic. We’ve invaded countries, raped women, tortured children, blown ourselves up, and chopped off countless numbers of infidels’ heads for nothing? Are we now going to celebrate with pig roasts, hold hands and sing Give Peace a Chance? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next?”

Redecorating for Ramadan

As a concession, an IS leadership committee has been charged with outlining a de-escalation plan, which includes a gradual easing of the enforcement of Sharia law. The plan is expected to also inspire the mitigation of the enforcement of Sharia in other Mideast countries that are already traditionally less strict.

Proposed easements include:

  • Allowing women to wear fingertip gloves under their burqas while shopping, but only when the outside temperature is above 112 degrees.

  • Permitting dismemberment as a punishment for only the most egregious offenses, such as posting digitally-altered effeminate-looking photos of Anjem Choudary.

  • Effective immediately, suspected homosexuals will be punished by being thrown from a height of no more than four stories. In time, punishment will be gradually diminished, and eventually will likely involve only a simple defenestration from a second-floor window.

President Barack Obama has yet to comment on the report, but in the wake of the astonishing news, White House sources say he is preparing a prime-time speech praising the historic milestone, taking full credit for the development, and announcing his candidacy for a third term as president, citing the Constitution’s “Stupid Amendments Are for Losers” clause.

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